accept the change, find your growth

The funny thing about change is most of us are scared shitless of it even though its such an essential part of human growth. For me personally change is a bittersweet thing. There are times I will welcome change into my life with open arms but there are other times certain changes are just things we don’t want to face in life.  I remember my last day of primary school  and how I hated leaving all my friends and favourite teachers behind it was like I felt this sadness leaving all these memories behind but that very sadness stuck with me until around three years into secondary school. I honestly hated it so much. Some changes like this are inevitable with age. There comes a time in a persons life where they need to move on to better things or move on to worse things in order for them to actually learn the true meaning of life.

One change I welcomed into my life with a smile on my face was leaving that secondary school life behind and becoming a college student. I’m not going to lie to you my first year of college was probably one of the worst and best years of my life. One, I left secondary and never had to see any of those people I spent five years with again (in fact three years on I haven’t seen about 95% of them and I am so damn grateful). Two, that year I figured out and made some true friends and may be I have drifted apart from some but that is mostly because most of them have either left for university or have found themselves a job or apprenticeship so their isn’t much time for any of us to meet up nowadays. Three, I failed two out three of my a level exams that year and I felt like the biggest failure on the face of the planet but I soon got up on my feet and made it through the second. What I am getting at is that, as humans, change is something we have to live and bear with whether it be through education, work, family, friends or just out own personalities. Change is inevitable and we can never alter that.

The past few months I have been ranting and ranting on about how human growth is key because initially I want to find and see my own human growth just like I see it in others. I look around at the people I cherish and love and I am so damn proud at what they have accomplished and the amazing people they have become with each passing year. They have found their passions, their strengths and found themselves in the things  they love. The happiness and joy I have them is so great then I look at myself and I don’t feel that joy for me because if I have grown in some ways I haven’t grown in the most important ways and that’s something I am working on. There are many doubts we have as people with change and with certain situations that we forget sometimes we think too much and our minds stress us out over the most tiniest of things. Sometimes they are huge decisions but our minds always make it into something bigger. It’s like out minds are so fixated on these problems and to find a solution for each of them that they make these complicated mazes where every turn you feel lost or lonely but really if we didn’t think of it too much we would never be in those mazes in the first place.

Change in friendships and relationships can sometimes be the hardest, but they don’t always have to be a bad thing even if it feels like it at the time. At times its just being out of step with a person. For example, if one person is two steps a head of you and you feel like you don’t click anymore you shouldn’t worry. You shouldn’t worry because this person is in your life because you found each other and clicked instantly and that very person will still be there for you to grab their hand and pull you up to where they are. Maybe I am talking from experience or maybe lately I am being more observant than I have ever been but friendships and relationships are a two way thing that is maintained through love, care, sweat and tears because if I person is worth it you will make an effort to show them they are.

Sometimes we sit and we realise small things that make so much sense in that moment and your mind just opens and you realise that wow that is so true. Like the other day I was just sat and the quote ‘actions speak louder than words’ popped into my head and it made me realise that I do not know how to express my emotions if they are not through written words. It’s weird really realising these things because you feel like your are doing everything right but in reality all that your are really doing is wrong. Making amends, expressing feelings, making a person understand you or just simply showing people who you really is more louder in action than in words. For a person who hates being put into any kind of social thing it can be difficult but I’ll get there eventually.

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This post has come late and I am sorry but I have been a very overthinking and very stressed out idiot these past two months so forgive me for the delay. If I am honest with you guys then I’ll have to say that this is the third time I have tried writing a blog post since my last blog post and this one is finished because it felt right. (it honestly just took me an hour to write this). Unfortunately, I won’t be posting for another two months but this is only because my exams start in nine days and I need to put my full focus into my exams if I want to get into university. So until next time guys

-Tamrina x

 

Mental Imagery

Hey! It’s me again six months later with a blog post I have wanted to write for a while now. I am sorry for being gone for so long but life has taken another toll on me. I have been lacking motivation these past few months but I am hoping that this will bring me back into full swing. Now enough about be and my lazy ways lets get on with the actual content of this blog.

Mental imagery is a project I keep really close to my heart. I gave this project the title ‘mental imagery’ due to its fundamental roots of being about the way an individual feels when experiencing their own mental illnesses; whether it be my own personal reflection on mental health issues or anothers, this project to me just shows those buried up feelings that we find so hard to ignore. I took it upon myself to create this mental health awareness photoshoot as part of my A level Photography exam last year. This project isn’t just the most enjoyable project I have done so far but the most important one to me. The theme is mental illness awareness for the main reason being that people with mental illnesses are often swept under the rug and aren’t helped but are discriminated against. I was told to portray ‘issues and observations’ in the world we live in so here is the perspective on mine. I have titled each photograph in its caption because sometimes that’s all you need to understand things so I hope you understand the edits I have created and how much I value them individually.

I had found this edit of Dylan O’Brien on tumblr and I honestly fell in love with it. It gave me that demonic vibe which showed self conflict and the way a person has their inner demons they resist on a day to day basis. I was lucky enough to find a very similar font on Photoshop to the one in the edit to write the words ‘lose your mind’ at the bottom and yes my take on the edit isn’t a facial close-up like the original edit but I still like the way it came out. To me this edit presents that numbness that we feel when we don’t want to feel the pain that comes with the struggle, the heartlessness and the emptiness.

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dancing with your demons: I have to say, after I did do that first edit where one eye was blacked out I became obsessed. Having the eyes of the model blacked out honestly gives the photograph a sense of darkness that is imbedded in people. In this photograph I chose to use it as an emotionless aspect where a person who suffers from a mental illness like anxiety or depression feels like their very life is being sucked out of their shell and all is left is a hollow body.

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I put the photographs in a slideshow because to me the transformation from the coloured edit to the black and white edit shows a story of its own. In these edits I was ultimately trying to show PTSD or ADHD, however, after I made a black and white edit it was more than that. It was more of a stage where a person, who has difficulty opening up to others, is life takes the turn for the worse because they can’t cope and they feel like they live in this broken world. A broken world where there are no colours, no emotions and no empathy for the broken.

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mirror your conscious: this photograph is a ‘self’ portrait and yes those are chubby fingers and arms. This piece isn’t the best of edits but it helped me show self-consciousness. How a person dislikes the skin their in or the reflection they are forced to look at on a daily basis. There’s also an infinity sign on my wrist which is hard to see as it’s folded into my skin but I initially put it there for the awareness of self-harm. As some of you may know self-harm awareness day was just the other day and it might be a topic I’ll open up about in the future but many people go through such a thing when it comes to some mental illnesses so I just wanted that element to be present in at least one of my photographs.

 

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two places at once: what this edit portrays isn’t as simple as I would think nor is it even as deep as I intended it to be. In this project I mainly used the overlaying of two or more photographs to display mental illnesses such as personality disorder, bipolar, ADHD and schizophrenia. However, now that I look at this image I see quick movements and agile thoughts, I see those moments where your mind is flitting from one thought to another with such confusion and urgency that you don’t understand yourself anymore. I see feeling lost and afraid of what is in store for you in the future. I see a person who is literally whipping naeing and I have no bloody idea why (oh God what have I done?)

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disorientated scribbles: an edit that I used to explain the emotionlessness we feel in the times of hardship. The way we build up walls that we make sure are hard to knock down because we have been hurt too many times or we’re too anxious to want to know how it feels to feel. we become disorientated and lifeless but embedded on the surface of our skin is a sprinkle of a little hope, a little colour, that one day we will come out of our shells, one day we will blossom.

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mastery of faces: in which a person covers up there emotions by being someone they’re not. The way an individual can feel more than one things all at once and not at all. As you probably can already tell by now most of these edits don’t have a specific mental illness to them because they can be related to so many and this one isn’t any different. The basis of feeling or seeing more than one perspective of life and feeling things others may just not understand. I feel like in this project I was showing some things that words just can’t express sometimes and I wanted this to help.

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interchanging personalities: yes this edit presents a very basic form of bipolar because bipolar is more than just the change in moods. I wanted to express two moods that were both very strong and elevated. In one of the photographs in the overlap the model is overly excited and jumping for joy, whereas in the other, the model looks fuming like she’s out for blood and they are exactly what I wanted from these photographs. Most people suffering with bipolar or other mental illness feel too much and sometimes feeling too much is a curse in itself and sometimes it can be a blessing.

 

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dimensional differences: I usually don’t pick favourites because they end up making me feel deflated about the rest, however, this is hands down my favourite photograph in this project. To me this photograph shows everything I wanted to show in this project from the feeling of confusion and wandering to the core evil feeling we feel from time to time. I used the scribbles to connote the thoughts and emotions that fly all over the place and almost always never make sense. I used two different models to portray the connection we have with our consciousness and our inner demons. I used the blacked out eyes and the black and white colours to make sure this photograph showed the darkness embedded with people in pain and the stigmas they have to face for going through things they can’t help going through. I use this image to show the world people who suffer from mental illnesses are no less human then the rest of you.

Well that’s most of the photographs from my project. There are a few others but I don’t feel like they meet the standards of even being shown to people. Keep it in mind these photographs were made a year ago and I have developed as a person and in skills since then. If I could’ve done anything differently I would have probably have had more models and represented more mental illnesses such as OCD, Pyromania, Anorexia, Anxiety and Psychosis because honestly people aren’t aware of the majority of the mental illnesses out there and that is something that has to change- we have to change.

We just don’t need to be aware about mental health but make it known that it’s okay not to be okay, its okay to suffer and its okay to feel the way you do. What is not okay is suffering alone and being afraid to speak out because you are scared the world will laugh at you. What’s not okay is that those 1 in 3 people who go through any mental illness at least once in their lives have to do it alone and why? because it’s stigmatised? Why is it so hard for people to see that she’s not doing it for attention and he’s just trying cope with the voices in his head. I hope one day we can all  be able to stand up to the stigmatisation of mental illnesses and be able to understand that not everyone can do it all alone.

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I hope you guys liked that. Let me know of any improvements I can make to the content of my posts and what else you would like to see from me. I am thinking of doing a few baking blogs soon so maybe some cakes, biscuits and doughnuts will be coming your way in the near. Also my goal is to post at least once every month and I know that was my original plan but I pray that I can keep up with it because I honestly enjoy writing these. I’ll hopefully see you guys next month!

-Tamrina

 

Self-consciousness

Self consciousness
adjective
feeling undue awareness of oneself, one’s appearance, or one’s actions.

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I have always been self-conscious. It probably fully started when I hit secondary and all the bullying started. I saw myself for who I was: a happy-go-lucky, pushover, chubby and fucking ugly ass girl who thought the world was all sunshine and built on bloody fucking rainbows. It wasn’t just the bullying, my family- especially aunts and cousins from abroad- constantly nagged me about my weight which overall made me feel like shit.

I grew up- of course I did- but that’s not what this blog post is about. This blog post is how I coped with it because it’s hard. I know it’s hard and many people who haven’t been down that route don’t understand they say things like “get over it” or “it is what it is” when they just don’t know. I’ve been through that root and I may as well state that I’m still in that downfall of what we call mental illnesses but I won’t get into that now.

Self-consciousness is not only a feeling of being put down but this overwhelming force: not loving the body you are in, constantly questioning if what you’re doing is right or what you’re wearing is okay and your paranoia hitting the roof each time these questions hit you. I want to share with you all how I cope with it because it does get in the way. More often than people realise. I’ve learnt to cope with these taunts and questions, at times not very wisely, but I’m here today aren’t I?

Back when I was in year 8 (so when I was around 13 years of age) I had a friend who had somehow realised what I was going through, in a sense, they had gone through the same thing- give or take. This particular friend advised me to every day in the morning (or in the evening if you prefer) walk up to the mirror and write one thing on a post-it note that you like about yourself. Every single day. It didn’t work. Maybe it’s because I can’t work in that way it honestly just adds fuel to the fire but I would try it if I were you. Just because it doesn’t work for me doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. However equal us humans may be, we all work in different ways.

A couple of months ago during my first counselling session, my counsellor told me to name one thing I like about myself and I honestly struggled, like really struggled. I spent a good 5 minutes trying to figure out something to say and she let me swarm in thoughts until I finally came out with my eyes because I actually do like them. She then gave me some homework. This homework was for me to think of something else I like and I should tell her about it the following week. Next week came and I was stuck again. Keep it in mind I had this single question “what do I like about myself?” repeating itself again and again in my mind- it just wouldn’t stop. I tried but all that kept coming up were my fat ass thighs and flabby ass stomach but then my counsellor said something that really got me thinking: “we constantly as humans look and search for perfection and imperfections on the outside and almost always forget the things on the inside- the important stuff.”

By this time I was already getting emotional but I came up with loyalty. I am always besides the people I care about whatever the case and at times it’s proven to be unhealthy. However, that’s not what I’m getting at. What I’m saying is although you feel self-conscious and you question your every move, think about those things about yourself that you don’t question, the things that come naturally to you and you wouldn’t change for the world. We’ve all got a few I know I have it’s just a matter of us finding them and making sure they’re our beacon of hope. In hope that one day we’ll love ourselves for who we are and not hate ourselves for who we are not. For instance your hobbies and your likes and dislikes, maybe even your skills and qualities as a person. Our looks are not everything sometimes even our actions aren’t but our intentions are massively important and sometimes we forget that. We forget that because society has conditioned us in a way that we make it as if what’s on the inside doesn’t matter, but it does, it always does.

Being self-conscious about yourself doesn’t necessary mean you’re doubting your looks. A person could love they way they look but feel self-conscious in academic things, or social matters. Being self-conscious isn’t just about one thing it can be about anything and that’s why the biggest way to battle self-consciousness- however corny it will sound- is to be yourself. To be the person you strive to be, do the things you want to do and don’t let anyone’s opinion get in the way of you doing that. You want to wear make up? Do it. You want to go out make up free? Sure. You want to start YouTube channel or maybe do something as small as baking a cake? Go for it. You are not on this Earth to please anyone around you, you are here to live your life as you will it to be. That’s something each and every one of us believes whatever religion and cultures we’re from. It’s something we have in common. We have the freedom to choose what we want to do and what we want to achieve as individuals. Not them, you.

Pinpointing triggers can also help. Knowing what triggers your self-conscious tendencies can help you understand what you need to work on. For example, may be you look in the mirror for far too long to pinpoint all your flaws. In that case you would try not to look in the mirror as much and when you do try to think positively. I’ve also learnt that others try to encourage themselves by telling themselves that they are “bigger than their self-consciousness”. It works for some but not all. Trying to block out irrelevant comments from people also helps whether their people who you think care about you or are complete strangers. You shouldn’t try and give them any satisfaction or the power to make you feel like shit. No one has the right to do that not even yourself. You are worth more than people trying to trample on you for their on purposes.

You do you, whether they like it or not because at the end of the day the only way you’ll feel fulfilled with your life is being what you truly want to be and more often than more it’s simply being yourself. This life is your own. Mould it the way you please.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drastics

Things change drastically. Most times we don’t even notice the change ourselves. We keep searching and searching for change, stability and the strength. We search for new things to change our lives that we don’t even realise the changes in the little things. The ways we look, the personalities we bare, a change in hobbies or even the posts we share. We don’t realise it until we go back and assess things for example old baby photos or our old cringe worthy Facebook posts (I know you have them too).

I was once told- I say once but it was the other day- to get my “act together” because I’m turning 18 (yes it’s my birthday today it’s honestly not a big deal) and honestly? I didn’t get it. I didn’t get that a person who themselves just turned 18 is telling me to get my “act together” when theirs isn’t perfect because that’s just it we’re not perfect! Plus when you say act it just sound all fake and shit. I don’t like pretending or acting but it’s what it has come to with the human race. A majority of us would rather act like the most popular Kardashian at the moment than actually take their time to get to know themselves and the things they like not the things society likes. Letting the media, celebrities and people you know lead your life isn’t going to get you anywhere. Happiness isn’t achieved by being someone else, it’s achieved by being yourself. I know I’m not the best person to talk about happiness but it’s true pretending to be someone else is going to get you nowhere. It just doesn’t.

Furthermore, drastic measures are taken by ourselves or others that change our lives,or perspectives on things. A person’s action can affect us just as equally as our own. Many times when I have been put in this type of situations I’ve end up losing not just people but also myself. Thoughts, feelings and emotions are funny things. We say one thing, we feel another. I say I’m fine when really I’m crumbling inside. She says she forgives you but really she’s fuming. He says he feels safe but really he’s frightened to the core. Emotions, feelings, we catch ’em all. (WADDUP POKEMON REFERENCE)

Recent events (I say recent but it’s only recently been on the News just don’t forget it happens every fucking day) have left us bewildered like a deer in headlights by the inhuman things people do. No one deserves to die and by that I mean die at the hands of another human being. No one deserves to be discriminated by the colour of their skin or the language they speak. I know because I am Muslim some people we’ll be all like “what about the LGBT+ Orlando shooting” well let me tell you this, just because you’re homosexual or whatever doesn’t mean I hate you- I don’t- my views as a Muslim frown upon what you’re doing but it’s none of my business. What you do is your business. People don’t deserve to be killed in cold blood; according to the class, age, nationality, gender, ethnicity, disability or their sexuality. Humans aren’t supposed to kill humans. We’re one species. Where did the love go?

Black lives matter because all lives matter and don’t you forget that. I know we can’t change much as individuals but together we can change the world.

 

 

 

Falling

‘I never planned to fall, I mean I may have thought about it from time to time

but actually falling?

it was never my intention:

to fall, to get hurt

& to become this broken beacon of false hope.

I‘m sorry.’

I took this photograph on my holiday in Oman on my Easter break. I noticed at my grandma’s new place there were two flights of stairs leading to the roof and being the curious ‘arty farty’ person I am I had to check it out. I took countless pictures up there, and although I am afraid of heights, I loved the open air. It’s why I dream to have a balcony in a home I can name my own, one day. A the time I was in the middle of preparing for my A2 Photography exam, which took place over a month ago and hopefully I can share them in a blog post soon. I chose my exam to be on the awareness of mental health something that is very close to my heart. I knowingly made sure it was something personal so every picture I would take would be worthwhile. This photograph is inspired by that. It is inspired by the very essence of mental illness and how people just don’t feel trapped but also feel at the edge.

Of course while I was up there I had a few dark thoughts that entered my mind but I tried not to let them get to me. I was there to be inspired and I was. I just love that idea of the unknown. Did they jump? Fall? Survive? Who knows. The very act of falling- both hypothetically and non-hypothetical- is something sometimes we just don’t fear but we crave. It is a big flaw in us humans but it is something we learn to live with even though some of us don’t get that far and really do topple over the edge.

Photography is just one of those things; I’ll see something and have this sort of itch to take a photograph of it. Like a writer suddenly inspired by a new idea and quickly rushing to jot it down. These feelings are things I live for. The things that help me each day pull myself up and stay standing. I do it for the rush of ideas, the snap of a camera, the syllable of a word and the stroke of a brush. I call them my escapes some may call them their hobbies but either way they make us, they shape us and they let is grow into who we are.

 

the first one

Honestly, I don’t know what to write for this one I’ve been contemplating what to do and how to do it but then I realised I just have to type up whatever my fingers feel like typing. So here I am typing away and completely lost in the dark world of thoughts that is mine. The way I see it, our minds are never-ending mazes; the longer we try to figure them out the more confusion we feel within ourselves. Our minds are very complicated things why try complicate them more? The thoughts, the emotions and the feelings. All rushing past never planning on stopping.

I have learnt throughout the years that embracing the emotions you feel helps a ton. For example if you are excited for something, let’s say a parcel to arrive (I know I get way too excited for them), then embrace it make sure the whole fucking world knows it. Or maybe you’re feeling sad? Well read a good book, cry it out or as stupid as it sounds scream into a bloody pillow. Whatever it is you’re feeling I say embrace it. Embrace it more than the clouds embraces the rain and lighting to thunder.

Go on. Embrace it.